You remember how to do it right, like you used to? LucasArts, if you’re out there listening, please try and create a game that is actually fun for people to play. I hate to tell you, but this isn’t a Coca-Cola commercial, I’m a bitter 18 year old who has to finish high school, go to college and in the meantime rate a demo that really sucks! It’s like having boobies but not being able to play with them, y’know? How do you screw up Indiana Jones? Jeez, all you had to do was cut and paste Lara with Indy and spruce up the graphics a bit! Heck, I don’t even know. I wonder what it’ll say under, “It still has colored lighting!” Add a big shiny yellow star and you’ve got a winner folks. I wish I could be the publisher who has to attach all those wonderful quotes on the back of boxes when this game comes out. I hate to have to say this folks, but there are no redeeming values about this demo. Half-Life set a bar folks, let’s follow its example and try to go above that bar. A lack of working mouse control, mixed with bad voice acting, piss poor keyboard mapping and an interface from hell make for a bad game. Outside of the graphics, the rest of the demo makes me want to puke. Of course, it’s nowhere near as pretty as Unreal, but it still has colored lighting and faces that move when people talk, which is always a nice plus to the stale unmoving faces of games such as Tomb Raider and Heretic II.
Originally this was the Jedi Knight engine, before the coding chimps got their paws on it.
The only enjoyable factor of the entire demo is the graphical quality, which deserves mention as being the most heavily tweaked engine I’ve ever seen. Because of my contempt for this infernal piece of crap, I’m going to attempt to write this demo review in record time so I can get back to my own life and spare myself the misery of playing this incredibly unfun demo. Thrice within twenty-four hours I attempted to play this infernal thing LucasArts dares to call a demo, and both times I felt like bashing my head into my monitor until I bled. You’d think it couldn’t get any worse than the abyss of mediocrity that the Tomb Raider series has fallen into, right? It seems as if since releasing ‘Mysteries of the Sith’ LucasArts has fallen into a dirty mucus filled pit where only games like ‘Sin’ and ‘Xtreme Paintball’ are developed. ‘Infernal’ is the perfect description of this melting pot of all things awful about games. Sit through college lectures on economics and home financing Sit through an episode of Barney… or twoĦ. Ten Things I’d Do Rather Than Play Indiana Jones and the Infernal Machine:Ģ. Of or pertaining to, resembling, or inhabiting, hell suitable for hell, or to the character of the inhabitants of hell hellish diabolical as, infernal spirits, or conduct. I dreamt I was a Jedi–Oops! Wrong film! Stupid Jedi Mind Tricks!
Originally published on on 2 December 1999.
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